Valuing, in this life, eventually means you that will face loss.  You will grieve.  Because we care, love, and prize objects of this world, we inevitably will encounter the loss of those things.  Christianity offers a unique perspective — and invaluable resources — when we approach loss.  Our forerunner, the Word made flesh, was a man of sorrows acquainted with grief.  We find comfort as he identifies with our suffering.  We find encouragement by seeing his example in his sorrow.  We also share in his sufferings by entrusting ourselves to God’s future promises.

Over the next several posts, I aim to provide a few resources on the topic of grief.  Because the pain of loss is not discriminatory, we all must walk a path of sorrow at some point.  Even if the Lord has currently led you into ‘broad spaces’ (Psalm 18:19), we might have family or friends who walk a road of deep sadness.  Ashley Turnbull recently had an opportunity to attend a children’s ministry conference this past Spring.  Having attended a seminar on grief, hearing about her experience gives us an opportunity to deepen our understanding of loss.  The following is a brief interview with Ashley regarding a few things she learned.

Earlier in the Spring you had an opportunity to travel and attend a children’s ministry conference.  Tell us a little about that conference.  

The PCA Council on Discipleship Ministries puts on training every year for children’s ministry workers and leaders. This year’s conference was held at Ridgehaven Camp in Brevard, NC. We attend seminars on all types of things related to children’s ministry: safety, programming, curriculum, etc.

You were able to attend a seminar on grief and loss.  Who taught it and what was it about specifically?

Author and speaker Nancy Guthrie was our keynote speaker for the weekend. She has written numerous books and bible studies, including a variety of books on grief. Her own experience is that two of her children died from genetic abnormalities after birth. Both were around six months old when they passed away. She and her husband started a ministry called GriefShare that produces programs and videos designed to help those who have lost someone. Specifically, her talk pertained to how churches can come alongside grieving people.

What did you learn about grief and loss that you plan to apply in your own life?

Nancy gave us a handout with 10 things they would like the church to know about grieving people (see below). One thing Nancy said was this: coming alongside a grieving friend is tough. It’s hard to know what to do and say. It can be awkward. You will feel inadequate. However, her advice is for church members to always err on the side of reaching out. Say something. Do something. Ignore any feelings of awkwardness and be the hands and feet of Christ.

Where do you see the need for that understanding in your contexts?

I think about my role as children’s coordinator and how I come across families who find themselves in various types of grief: those who have lost babies, lost children or not been able to conceive. I also think about parents who have lost loved ones, have strained relationships with their own extended families, or maybe have children that have left the church. There are ALL types of grief, and we as the church want to make sure they do not feel alone. This might mean taking a meal, texting to help with the other children, sending a note or card. But it can also mean that we note the date of the death/loss on the calendar and reach out on anniversaries, Fathers/Mothers’ Day, Christmas. Holidays are hard. Adam and I have a friend who lost his dad unexpectedly this spring; we made sure to call on Father’s Day, knowing it was his first without his dad. Reach out to the spouse or other close friends. Make sure they know that they are also being prayed for. To know that someone is praying for you on that very day that is hard for you is valuable. Nancy was very specific with that idea!

What would you want to communicate to others after having listened to that seminar?

I want to pass along the Griefshare program for those interested. Several local churches put this on at various times during the year. And as I stated above, I want to encourage my church family to reach out to all of those grieving in some way. Grief isn’t always death; it can be any of the things I listed above.  It looks different to different people, but I hope I have given you some ideas of things that may minister to others in our church body. I see this already going on in our body, and I am always learning from so many of our members who to love others well!

What were the 10 things on Guthrie’s handout?

• Overcome the awkwardness to engage…and keep engaging.
• Don’t wait for them to call if they need you…figure out what they need and do it.
• Understand that church is hard when you’re grieving. There is fear of “the ask” and fear of the “no one asks.”
• Anticipate family pressure points.
• Make room for tears and sadness…but encourage an expectation of healing.
• Gently challenge spiritualism and sentimentalism with scriptural truth.
• Be willing to work through God’s sovereignty in their loss with Bibles open.
• Keep directing the focus of hope toward resurrection, not merely heaven when we die.
• Help them turn misery into ministry.
• Keep preaching and teaching the whole counsel of God.

Last year, Meghan and I had the opportunity to travel to Germany.  It was a unique privilege for me as I had never been to Europe.  Driving around southern Germany, captivated by the majesty of the Bavarian Alps, was a rather mesmerizing experience.  I had the option to visit several castles, including a smaller palace called Linderhof.  Built by King Ludwig II, it functioned as a private escape, patterned after the French style of Versailles.  Of the many intriguing aspects of the palace, Linderhof features extremely ornate and handcrafted golden wall accents, true craftsmanship covering each space in unique ways.  One reason they are so intriguing is that the tour guides will tell you that the work of this incredibly detailed artistry is not replicable in our contemporary society.  In other words, no one can do it.  The skill, they said, has been lost to history.  There exists no artist on the face of the globe that can accomplish such art.  Disciplines, as it were, can be lost.

Though not one of his ten tech-wise commitments, Andy Crouch makes a helpful distinction between technology and tools.  He writes, “For almost all of human history, tools were quite limited.  They weren’t everywhere; they were in specific places.  Tools were in the field (agriculture) or in the kitchen (cooking) or in the toolshed (work).  And while tools helped us do our work, they did work on their own … Even though tools made human work easier, they weren’t necessarily easy to use.  Ask anyone who’s tried to use a hammer skillfully, let alone a chain saw.  Learning to use a tool requires patience and practice.” (Crouch, 48)  On the other hand, technology offers us ways of accomplishing work that requires little to no effort on our part.  In many ways, technology moves beyond the category of tool and moves into the category of replacement.

The primary point that Crouch makes is that it robs us of human learning.  Tools become an extension of the body, requiring developed skill to operate with precision and mastery.  “Increasingly, our lives have been colonized by things that don’t just help us accomplish a task but do the task for us.  And this technology, at its most beguiling, requires almost no effort or learning at all.” (Crouch, 49)  Toward the end of the book, Andy makes an important observation.  “Up until about one hundred years ago, there was only one meaning to the phrase “play music.”  It meant that someone had to take up an instrument, having developed at least some skill, and make music, in person, in real time.” (Crouch, 185)  For Crouch, technology carries the innate potential to move us away from a life of discipline, excluding the opportunity to master skills and develop our use of tools.

When you think of the word ‘discipline,’ what typically comes to mind?  For many, we associate discipline with punishment.  Discipline becomes a form of correction or consequence due to some infraction.  While that may be a legitimate use of the word, we also may differentiate discipline from punishment by arguing that punishment carries more punitive connotations while discipline seems to imply a more restorative agenda.  But even more importantly, a broader perspective of discipline includes the notion of training.  It is the development of the person to some desired end or goal.  Discipline as a correction/consequence may function to train.  Even so, we may discipline ourselves to be able to accomplish some feat or develop a specific skill.  We discipline ourselves to learn the knowledge and skills for our profession, to learn how to swim, to grill the perfect steak, to hit a golf ball, or to learn a language.

I have recently enjoyed developing the skill of woodworking.  I would not call what I currently do skill.  However, working with wood to build furniture, frames, and other projects has been a desire for some time, hindered by the usual suspects, time and resources.  In one of my first projects, I noticed that after I applied the stain that there were significant swirls in the grain of the wood.  After some research, I discovered that it was because of my sander.  Actually, it was because of me.  Pressing too hard on the spinning sander will cause swirl indentations in the wood, becoming increasingly more visible once the stain has been applied.  Let the sander do the work, was the lesson.  Rookie mistake.  The skill of sanding required some discipline.  Learning a knowledge of how the tool should be used and how it should not be used, along with the practice of right movements and pressure, help me become a more proficient woodworker.  I needed discipline.

Aside from the important question of ‘why should I pursue a disciplined life,’ how might technology hinder of life of discipline?  As I consider that question, wastefulness typically comes to mind.  Certainly, much of our technology seems to consume our time, dumping it into places that have such little value.  I think specifically of time spent scanning news articles that have little to no bearing on my life.  So much of the news seems to only function to cause my anger and anxiety to rise!  But beyond the negative component of wastefulness, it seems that technology often tends to dull my appreciation for the excellence and beauty of developed skill.  It is easier if don’t pursue ’x.’  I’ll have to give so much time to this thing or that thing.  The reality is that while God gave us gifts and abilities and friends and family, he has also given us some time (though we never know how much).  And we, as creatures of desire, give time to the things we love.  We make space for them.  What are the things I give my time to?  And what does it say about what I love?

Irrespective of any desire that you might have for developing, or not developing, a specific disciplined skill in life, the life of discipleship is a life of discipline.  We typically think of the spiritual disciplines.  We pray.  We read the Bible.  We study the Bible.  We learn how to meditate.  We practice the art of Scripture memorization. But even beyond these, we learn the discipline of forgiveness and showing kindness.  These spiritual disciplines train us towards godliness.  They train us to be effective workers in God’s kingdom, becoming laborers in the field for the harvest.  They train us to become more like the Master.

Additionally, the discipline we face as a disciple may include things we do not choose.  Suffering is typically not on our agenda.  The author of Hebrews describes this aspect of discipleship:  “It is for discipline that you have to endure.  God is treating you as sons.  For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?  If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.” (Hebrews 12:7-8)  The passage is lengthy, but worth reading through.  “Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them.  Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live?  For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness.  For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”  (Hebrews 12:9-11)  In this way of viewing discipline, we are reminded that it confirms our sonship as well as trains us for righteousness.  Discipline trains us for heaven.

With these things in mind, while it may or may not be important to you to learn a new skill like a musical instrument or a new language, it is important for the believer to consider how technology hinders or helps their discipline in their discipleship.  Does technology serve the goal of greater discipleship?  Or does it tend to distract and maneuver you away from precious time spent with God in his Word?  Do you find that your level and kind of consumption crafts you into the image of the Master?  Or do you find that your consumption crafts you into an image unlike the Master, more in line with something you might generally see in society?  Such questions move us in the direction of the examined life, which is a discipline in and of itself.

Given the numerous books and articles written about our use of technology, it is possible you have given some time to consider the time you devote to a screen.  I admit, as a new father, there is an increased sense of awareness about my personal use of technological devices, not to mention my desire to raise children who are wise and responsible.  As I check email on my phone, I can feel the tug of a 9th month-old on my pant leg saying, ‘Pick me up daddy!’  There is also that double take one does when they see their child look at a screen for the first time, baby eyes hypnotized—body immobilized—by the images set before them.  Those innumerable, pressing questions roam freely in the mind:  What am I communicating to my child by the objects of my attention?  Albeit I cannot control my child’s future, how might I best train them to be thoughtful, articulate, and wise?  What are the principles that should guide our family practice when it comes to screens?

Some of you may have had an opportunity to read The Tech-Wise Family by Andy Crouch.  Only a few years old, this book offers an accessible resource for anyone wanting to examine their personal use of technology.  While its contents are primarily geared toward the family, it does function as a helpful resource for anyone, irrespective of their stage or station of life.  Though his agenda may be more radical than you might feel comfortable adopting for your family, Crouch is not out to discredit technology altogether.  He certainly is not wanting to equate technology with evil.  Additionally, he is not so much concerned with developing a step-by-step program or writing a how-to on specific devices, apps, or social media platforms.

Rather, as he states it, his goal is “to find the proper place for technology in our family lives—and how to keep it there.” (16)  As I read the book, Crouch seems to be trying to communicate that there is a beauty and excellence that may be found in life apart from technology—or at least apart from the saturation of technology.  It is really a vision for life that serves as the content of the book.  The premise of this vision for life is that the family, in Crouch’s estimation, “is about the forming of persons … family helps form us into persons who have acquired wisdom and courage.” (52-53)  These two attributes, wisdom and courage, constitute the theme that he will revisit throughout his book.  What does it take to form wisdom and courage into children?  Crouch’s book proposes ten tech-wise commitments for himself and his family.  These commitments do not trash technology altogether, but serve to help them put it in its proper place.

Certainly, we must admit that in varying degrees of awareness, we subscribe to some vision of life that we have for ourselves and our family.  We strive toward some goal of what we deem to be worthy.  And, of course, what we consume visually and attentional-ly function to create and recreate that vision that we might have for our lives.  Commercials make a pitch to us, showing us what our lives might be like if we had ‘x.’  Though many have dumped on the notion of convenience, it is true that in society we have adopted convenience as a virtue toward the good life.  Skills or opportunities that we must strive toward become increasingly less appetizing when you can get ‘more with less.’  Our technology affords us many things.  Even so, it does have the effect of shaping our vision of how to live — not merely in the content we view, but also in the process of the use of the technology itself.  Crouch’s book is a helpful resource placing before us a vision of life that might be had apart from an improper place of technology.

As I read the beginning of the book, I could not help but reflect on the forward to The Tech-Wise Family.  It was actually written by Andy’s daughter, who, at the time, was about 16 years of age (I believe).  As you read, you get the sense that the writer is articulate and competent to construct a succinct, informative preface.  Assuming that you value the skill of writing, you might wonder, ‘How is it that she was able at 16 to write a pithy, well-ordered introduction to this book?’  Aside from being Andy’s daughter, the reader cannot help but think of the contributing factors of their family values.  How did their vision towards family help shape her as a writer?  Crouch jokes about their Amish approach.  “Here’s an example of that almost-almost-Amish approach:  We chose not to have a TV at all in our house until our children reached double digits.  But we did buy that pretty sweet TV I mentioned when my daughter was ten.  Eighteen months later, a friend who knew of our unusual lifestyle emailed me to ask how adding a TV was turning out.  ‘Amy,’ I asked, ‘how has having a TV changed our lives?’  She barely looked up from the book she was reading and said vaguely, ‘Do we have a TV?’  (30-31)

He certainly goes in for the hard sell.  His proposals, of course, run against the grain of—well—most everyone.  At bare minimum, however, he will help you consider your own practices in the use of your screens.  Any writer would be hard pressed to propose a technological-elimination argument.  Andy certainly does not do that.  Technology affords us so much.  We especially think of medical technology and the advances we have made to improve our quality of living, and dying.

I can think of a friend I had in college.  During our freshmen year, her mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  Beyond receiving the blessings of advances in medical care, her family would gather weekly—as her and her siblings were out of the house—for their family ritual around a specific TV show.  It was a tradition for their family.  And it actually became a special time for them, a specific point in time during the week for which they would gather and enjoy time with one another.  A screen brought them together and they blocked off that anchor point during their week.  I can still remember my friend guarding that time with her family and her mom, without reluctance turning down opportunities to hang out with friends.  She was careful to reserve that time as she knew full well she had limited opportunities with her mother.

Looking at Crouch’s points, however, he does help us consider, or even reconsider, what our vision is for yourself and your family.  Arguably, as opposed to the story about my friend, much of our use of technology serves to place walls between the family relationship.  The tend to divide rather than unite.  We do well to live an examined life.  What do you hope to teach your children?  Maybe we might ask, who do want to help teach your children?  What do the things they (and you) consume train them to be?

As I think about what I consume and its impact on me personally, I am reminded of the vision-shaping function of Scripture.  As one of my favorite texts, Psalm 1 tells us that we ought to continually place its vision of life before ourselves:  “Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers.  But his delight is in the law of the Lord and on his law he meditates day and night.”  By day and night, the author is saying that the blessed man is one who sets before himself God’s Word consistently.  He has a steady diet of the Lord’s work and the Lord’s desires.  Such a practice regularly sets before us a vision of life that will far exceed anything that we could dream up on our own, or see on a screen.

Andy Crouch, The Tech-Wise Family: Everyday Steps for Putting Technology in Its Proper Place (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2017).